Grief In Singleness
A few of you may be wondering why it’s taken so long for me to post after I launched this blog. Well, life happens and this post will help explain why I took a small hiatus from writing. Bear with me, because in the beginning you’re probably thinking, “what does this have to do with singleness?” I promise it will get there.
Right around the launch of my blog, my sweet grandmother (Oma is what we called her) passed away. In the past few years she battled with kidney cancer, beat it, but it recently came back viciously. While she had not been doing great for a while, her passing was still somewhat abrupt. My Oma was someone I looked up to greatly. She was a woman of class, she was kind and gentle, and extremely generous. She also had the best shoe and purse collection of anyone I’ve ever known. But the thing I admired most about her was her deep love for her husband, her family and above all the Lord. A few years back her husband and my Opa passed away. She never stopped mourning his loss, but she still trusted the Lord through it. During her illness instead of becoming bitter, she would constantly talk about how the Lord has her and she trusts Him. I struggle so much with that on a daily basis (what am I supposed to do with my life? When will get married? Will I EVER get married?) The list goes on and on. But she took each challenge with grace and trust in the Lord. At the end of the day she had peace because she knew where she was going. My Oma was ready to be with the Lord and Opa forever. And that gave our family the sweetest closure, Oma was finally home.
While it is sweet to know Oma is where we all want to be someday, grief is still a part of this process. Grief includes crying randomly throughout your days and feelings of overwhelming sadness, but it also includes reminiscing on old times, and remembering what you loved so much about that person. Thankfully for me, it included an extended amount of time with family. It also includes intimate moments with the Lord, asking “why” and “when will it get better.” As a single girl, it included a deep desire for someone to check in on me, care for me, someone to hold my hand and say it will be ok.
It’s times of sadness and loneliness that the struggle of singleness creeps in for me. I so admire the love my grandparents had for each other and the strong family they raised, I can’t help but want that too! I’m going to be real honest with you here, physical touch is probably last on my “love languages” list, but for some reason I kept thinking, I wish I had someone to hold my hand, to hug, a shoulder to lean on. Here’s another moment of vulnerability for you here: Harry Potter is my all time favorite series of anything, and watching it with my family is just the best. We watched a few together last week. During the last movie, the part where they are in the final battle and everyone runs to the their loved one for that last kiss and last “I love you” just in case… it got to me. While watching I was thinking these stupid silly things and I KNOW I’m not the only one that does this while watching a movie or reading a book. These thoughts went something like this: “I want someone to run to me and say I love you if the world is ending”, “I want a final kiss goodbye”(sorry mom and dad), I want that tragic/exciting romance!” LIKE WHAT?! HP is my safe place, my get away from reality, my place to nerd out, not to be insecure about being single! (#forevergratefulforjkrowling) But as I thought those things, I was reminded I already have someone (in fact, more than just someone) for those things. I have my family and my friends, people who send flowers, a call, a text, a card, a shoulder to lean on, a friend to squeeze and hold my hand.
But above all those things I have the Lord. The Lord promises he is there for the broken hearted (Psalm 34:14), He promises He is with you always (Isaiah 41:10), He promises that despite your circumstances, He is still good (Psalm 24:8).
Until recently, I had been feeling pretty confident in singleness. I was feeling very content with my life, my friends, and where God had me. The idea of dating someone overwhelmed me more than excited me. But grieving my Oma, revealed that I still do idolize romantic relationships. It’s funny how the enemy uses something I love (like Harry Potter of all things) against me to think that God isn’t good enough for me in this season of grief. But He IS good and he DID comfort me with his word and his spirit through that struggle. I was reminded that I’m not alone, unloved or unwanted just because I am single.
My first blog post may have been delayed, but I hope that someone reading this and is struggling with these feelings of insecurity, can be encouraged and relate to my single girl ramblings.