Y'all. This post is raw and it's real. And it was real scary to write and click publish. So bear with me and dig into this nitty gritty not so pretty stuff about singleness.
Remember how in my last post I talked about how I was pretty confident and comfortable this summer in singleness? Well, joke’s on me because the other weekend was tough. Let me just give you a little play by play of what brought me into this downward spiral.
Saturday morning: I wake up MAD because I just had a dream where I was dating someone, only to find out he was dating someone else on the side. 2 things here:
1. Not being good enough/rejection is one of my core fears, so cue the insecure thoughts this dream brought by not being chosen. (And yes I realize this was not real and didn't really happen but it made me really feel things)
2. I woke up over an hour before my alarm so I was pretty stinking annoyed at this dream for the seemingly real feelings it brought AND waking me up early.
Saturday-Sunday: overall great weekend filled with college football (GO FROGS) and friends. But also filled with good and deep conversations, that included talking about relationships and singleness. And me downloading my weirdo dream to two of my close friends (talking about it was maybe a bad idea bc then I just kept thinking about it.)
Let’s proceed to the rest of that weekend/week:
Sunday: the Devil got me good. My dream feelings were still strong and I somehow found myself digging into an ex's social media which I shouldn't have done. BUT I felt like being sorry for myself I guess, so I started comparing myself to other girls he had dated, and other people who are in relationships. Yes I realize this sounds psycho and I'm and crazy but I can't be the only one who does this… right? Oh you don't? Yeah jk me either I just made this up…
Welcome to the crazy train of a single girl's brain! Throughout that week I really struggled with questions like, “ Why has nobody asked me out in so long? “Am I pretty enough”? “Am I likable?” “Is something wrong with me?” “How come they get to have a relationship and I don’t? Lord haven’t I been faithful?"(UGLY THOUGHTS WOW)
Anyone else ask these questions before?
After thinking these thoughts and talking to my friends about these things, I had to admit “I stalked my ex on Instagram”. We all shared stories of how common this is and talked about how negative the effects are when we do this. Why do we do this to ourselves? To throw ourselves a pity party? .. Apparently so. Stalking your ex on Instagram does NOT, I repeat DOES NOT benefit us in anyway. Sure, maybe you’re just “checking in to see what they are up to, how are they doing” but let’s be real. It doesn't end there. It ends in insecure thoughts, and leads to vicious games of comparison. It leaves us feeling sad, not good enough, and maybe sometimes depressed. It makes us remember the good but not the bad of that relationship, and makes us desperately desire to be in one again.
While desiring a relationship is not a bad thing (we were made to be in relationships with one another, whether romantic, family or friendly), it becomes a bad thing when it starts to be an idol in your life. It becomes an idol when you find yourself checking in on the ex constantly, digging down the hole of social media, comparing and wishing for things you don’t have.
So how do we avoid that? It’s simple and easier said than done. But I think we need to choose not to stalk. Choose to take them off our feeds if needed. Choose to be held accountable by friends who will ask us hard questions, and encourage us in the season God has us in. Maybe for you that looks like taking a break from social media completely. I am embarrassed to admit the amount of time I spend on social media compared to other things I know would be more life giving, like long quiet times. Personally, I have decided to “slow my scroll” before I go to bed. After settling in for the night with my roommate and watching our shows, and doing my quiet time, I will set my alarm and choose not to go on Instagram or Facebook, etc. It’s pretty wild when you start scrolling and all of the sudden it's an hour later. I am ending my day journaling, praying and spending time with the Lord instead of scrolling, and let me tell you it’s been so good. Take this time too to talk about your struggles in singleness to God, and reflect on them, instead of stalking and soaking in the insecurities.
While spending time in the word, I dwelled on these things:
- God's timing is good, perfect, and will always be better than what we might think is the right timing. Ecclesiastes 3:11 - " He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end."
- Wait on the Lord, he always has and always will care for us. Lamentations 3:25-26- "The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him", Romans 8:28-"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose."
- My identity rests in Him and not in my relationship status. Psalm 62:1-2-"Truly my soul finds rest in God; my salvation comes from him. Truly he is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken."
What do you do that helps get you away from stalking and going deep into the hole on social media?
I’d love to hear!